For the last two days I have been writing, crying and deleting…..
……..writing, crying, and then deleting.
The words get too angry and I start to ramble out of sadness, anger, frustration…..
I hold back the tears until I start to feel like I am going to vomit. I screamed and cried when I got the text message to confirm what I feared that morning….two days ago.
There are so many words that keep falling out on the blank page……..and they are all just horrible. I can’t believe I am writing them.
I will start with the one word that drives this all:
I haven’t blogged in months. So much has happened and yet not happened. Attorney’s advice just to stay quite online.
I will not be silent……
My daughter finally had enough and told me so much of what else was going on when she was with her father. She had videotaped the filth she had to live in, in his apartment. (The tub was 3x’s as bad as the shot below and the black streaming down the bathroom walls was just the beginning.) She told me how he had left a bag of peanuts in his car glove box and had her reach into that area,only to have her almost grab the bag of nuts. The way he torments her with bullying her about her severe peanut allergy is twisted. Sitting next to her on his dirty couch, while he shoves one peanut butter cup in his mouth after another, and gets mad at her because she doesn’t sit near him while he eats the food that can kill her.
She is an activist and has participated in activist groups for several years now. Through these activities she hears so many people say: write your senator…..write your congressman….etc. So she did. She wrote the Governor about her predicament and mailed off a letter.
And you know what?
It took that for CPS to finally respond.
And they substantiated him on abuse………….
And you know what?
The local courts still felt like charging me with contempt of court, because she does not feel safe going with her father and I did not force her to go with him. He did not try to get her to come stay with him either. He hasn’t made attempts to go to counseling with her, either. Has made no attempt to talk about it and get things worked out. He just hired an attorney and lied, lied, lied, lied. (Lied to the CPS officer too. The things he made up about her are insane! Glad to see they saw through the most obvious lies.) And in all of this the FOC was supposed to, by court order, investigate the matter and contact CPS themselves – They never did! They dropped the case for year and never responded back to all of the complaints and questions from me… until I took the stand of not forcing my child to go with someone she claimed was harming her.
Then I got slapped.
So this leads to the text message I got two days ago. My anger…..my tears.
My child is ok for now……
Another child is not – she is dead.
From Abuse. Stabbed and left to burn in the home……alone.
Abuse killed a sweet little 5 year old girl. A little girl I knew….The granddaughter of my longtime, childhood, silly teenager-years, bridesmaid friend.
I am sad.
I am angry.
My heart hurts.
Here I have been bending over backwards, losing sleep, losing money, losing normal life-time to deal with someone who has been hurting my child……and I read the comments that are splattered all over the news and social sites about this little girl’s case……and I get even more angry and ill.
The system is broken. Women and men stay with their abusers….yes.
Besides thinking that you can do something to change yourself that will make it all better or make your abuser better……
Besides those who are guilt-tripped in to staying together for the kids or just making it work one last time………
Besides the endless evil cycle of “I saw mom get hurt by dad” or “mom always hurt dad”, and “this is how relationships are supposed to be – tough”……..
Besides all of those excuses, I will tell you:
Because when you do speak out and you have substantial proof and you try to get people to help you and you beg people to help your child……………..they won’t.
………and then you are left without a home and people can’t let you stay with them because their husband doesn’t want to get in the middle……and the ex has locked you and your child out of your home and locked down the bank account that you have your checks auto-deposited in and your work can’t get it changed for weeks…..and he cancels your insurance…….and he stalks you at work and around town and calls you 100’s of times over to either threaten you and then to beg you to still love him to then back to threatening you again…….. and then you have to get a PPO……and then you only have your mom to help……….
……..and then when you finally get away and it has taken years to repair your self-worth and you start again……………… the abuser gets itchy and jealous and starts messing with your child when he can’t bother you anymore…………….
…….and then people still don’t want to get in the middle even though they have heard and seen and know what the abuser has done…..your brother-in-law says at least she is only abused every other week……..your father says at least she has a good base to come back to……family asks what they can do and you tell them and nothing………..and then there is the government control aspect that really fails: the FOC Admin says at least your child is smart and knows what will make her sick or cause anaphylaxis (even though the abuser has tried to force her to eat that very same food and bullied her and made fun of her and physically hurt her and intimidated her when she would not……and they ignore that the abuser does not provide medical care when she has been sick in his care, or injured)…….
Let me tell you:
MOST PEOPLE JUST DON’T CARE. THEY SAY THEY WILL KEEP YOU IN THEIR PRAYERS, GIVE YOU A HUG AND THEN THEY WALK AWAY AND FORGET. NO ONE DOES ANYTHING TO HELP. NOT A SINGLE LETTER WRITTEN OR SUPPORT TESTIMONY OR HELP WITH LAWYER FEES OR SPEAKING OUT ON THE VICTIMS BEHALF TO ANYONE THEY CAN —–BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT CARE AND ARE TOO BUSY TO GET MIXED UP IN HELPING THOSE IN NEED……….
AND YOU ARE LEFT ALONE TO BE ABUSED BY THE SYSTEM……………..AND THE ABUSER STILL MENTALLY TORMENTS YOU AND HURTS YOUR CHILD. AND YOU FEEL HELPLESS ONCE AGAIN.
And then they only care and judge, once it is too late…..and then everyone is to blame, except those who could have helped and didn’t lift a finger.
Like what I read from people who don’t know or have a clue of anything about what happened. Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to judge, but no one wanted to help!
I don’t know most of what happened to this little angel, recently. What I do know is my own experience….and some of the past.
I am sad. I am angry.
This just strengthens my resolve to keep fighting the fight.
So I write this:
The mother of the man who once abused me and has abused my child, knows what he has done. Grandma has apologized to her granddaughter for what her son has done and continues to do. But grandma still backs her abusive son, showed up to support him in court. She has spent most of a year not even trying to contact her granddaughter…..until now and only to put a guilt trip on my child. She misses her and wants to call her again. Now that she stood by the abusers side during court….after all the times she apologized to my daughter for the man abusing her and hurting her……………but she can’t speak out to help her granddaughter. Why? Because she says she is afraid she won’t be able to see her granddaughter ever again. Maybe that grandma needs to talk to the one who really will never be able to see her granddaughter again. Right?
Sandy – Don’t let the cycle continue!
I am not sorry for speaking the truth.